The Last Straw

Two things you might not know 

I’m quite the review fanatic 

And I hate paper straws 

Random, I know 

So I was on a hunt

For a reusable straw 

A perfect hollow tube

To replace them all

Amongst blogs and editorials

Star ratings and Amazon reviews 

Everyone seemed to have their own

Implicit standards

Some straw enthusiast

Tested twelve different tubes

From panda beloved bamboo 

To silicone and glass 

And last 

She chose one that fit snuggly 

In her back pocket

Even though it sucked 

Relatively poorly

Bob from Tennessee wrote

“I’ve tried four different straws 

And this is the best I’ve come across!”

“I know it says cold drinks only 

But one star cuz’ it melted 

In my hot chocolate”

Wrote some lady 

In her mid thirties 

Now there’s nothing wrong 

With having a preference 

In fact that’s exactly why 

I think reviews are precious 

Post what you think 

And I’ll filter to find 

The opinion 

Relevant to mine 

But at least reveal 

The ruler you expect 

A straw to kiss up to

Because your glowing five star rating

Means absolutely nothing 

If “best” and “better” 

Have no criteria 

Few people have the luxury to test 

Sixty different straws 

So quality comments 

Really do

Make a difference 

Yet what does it really mean

For a straw to be “good”

And can we reasonably criticise 

The paper tube 

If its only mission is to replace the plastic one-use

With no regard to sipping experience 

Should we then consider the pulpy mess 

A great achievement

There is indeed value 

In something that does 

Everything it sets out to do 

But what matters more 

Is whether those goals

Are valuable to begin with

And when I look at the paper straw

I see a pathetic, wilting disaster 

Settled for as some respectable solution

That has no intention to ever become 

More than just minimally better 

It’s not about the straw

It’s about what it tries to do 

And until it aims to deliver liquid 

From tips to lips 

Without collapsing mid-drink 

I refuse to consider it adequate 

If paper is bound by its materiality 

And we agree that a better beyond paper

Can be conceived 

Perhaps delicious drinks with no need 

To sip and stir altogether 

Perhaps a brand new drinking landscape

Radically different to how we currently operate

Whatever the solution may be 

It needs not be stuck 

In the form of a tube 

Rigid infrastructure 

And what’s been done before 

What really is stopping us 

From exploring other means 

That can more likely deliver 

The improvement that we need

Is our own imagination